Lying face down on the acupuncturist table, needles sewn across my body like my grandma's embroidery, it hit me. I was meant to meet this healer, this practitioner of eastern medicine. I was meant to meet Amy.
After just ten minutes of discussing my concerns with her, she looked at me with resolve, and said, “Elyse- did something happen to you when you were young.” It took everything in me not to burst into tears. Biting my lower lip as the first tear started to form, I responded with yes, I lost my dad when I was 5. Amy proceeded to nod as it all started to make sense to her. She said, “Elyse- these problems you’re experiencing can be fixed. Your back pain can be fixed. But we need to get to the root of your problem. In Chinese medicine, we would say we need to heal your mind. The heart houses the mind so we will start by healing your heart.” It was at that point that I realized the prick of the needle would hurt way less than the burden I’ve been carrying. That this journey would heal not only my physical pain but get to the root of my emotional pain.
It was also in that moment that I realized the irony of an attention getter I used to always use with my students. I would say “my head” and they would respond with “my heart.” I would do this over and over until they were settled and calm. It would remind them that when they weren’t using their “head” wisely, they were hurting my “heart.” Little did I know, I needed my own advice- which is most often the case. Without handling my emotions, I am ultimately hurting myself physically as well.
I had entered the acupuncturists office with the goal of addressing my upper back pain, but also to see if we could release whatever was causing me to hold onto this weight. What Amy picked up on in those initial minutes was that my physical weight may be there in part because of the emotional weight I’m carrying. As many of you have followed my journey, you know the major life changes I’ve gone through in the past 3 years. I feel like I’m at a true high point in my life. My personal life and my relationship with my fiancé are not only fulfilling but bring me great peace and an immense amount of joy. My work life is the best hybrid of rewarding and challenging. But for whatever reason, I feel like the shoe is going to drop. Something horrible is going to happen.
I, of course, had to talk to my therapist about this. I have the privilege of having access to her, why not use her insight on a regular basis to work on these tough emotions. This fear that things will take a turn for the worst keeps creeping in. That all this joy, peace, and happiness I am feeling will be ripped out from under me. Does part of that stem from the years going by quicker and quicker? Yes. Does it also stem from the fact that as I approach 35 and the deep knowing that my dad didn’t make it to 40 is as daunting as ever? Double yes. But my therapist simply smiled her comforting and knowing smile and said “Elyse, that is not how the universe works.” The universe doesn’t conspire against us, it conspires in our favor. Just like God doesn’t wish ill on us, neither does the universe.
Maybe this is the synapse I needed. The realization and connection back to what Amy, the acupuncturist, was saying about healing “my heart.” I’ve been so worried about healing my body, but in order to heal my body I need to heal my heart and mind first. I need to accept that the grief of losing my dad will never be something I can truly overcome. It may never disappear. It may never be fully gone, but I can do the work to be in tune with those emotions. Feel them, acknowledge them, be present with them and then move forward. Just like I chose to move forward with the changes in my life both personally and professionally, I can do this too.
So, as we hit the 3rd week of 2024, I encourage you to look deeper into your own lives. Dig down to the root of your issues and not work on the surface level issues that you’re dealing with. Do the hard work. The nitty gritty soul searching work. And let me tell you, if grief is attached to the root of your issues, please know you’re not alone. As I strive for personal growth this year, I come to the realization that even though I met Amy to work on my sore muscles, she was there to heal the muscles of my head and my heart. Do the work to heal your heart, my friend. You deserve that for yourself.
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